Todd Akin and the Vagina Dentata
Ladies, The word from Todd Akin is out - It's that time in election season to go through your mental Rolodex of sexual assaults from the past year, and see which ones were legitimate, and which ones were 'just for laughs,' and maybe and you were being a bit over-sensitive. (Relax - can't you take a joke?) For example, if it was a date and he paid -NOT legitimate rape, Duh!
But we all know this. Bigger news to me and horny women everywhere, was Tod Akin's amazing revelation that when it comes to pregnancies resulting from rape: "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." ....WAIT. STOP...WE HAVE CONTRACEPTION BUILT INTO OUR VAGINAS!!?!?! Why was I never informed about this!! Sex-ed - my Mom - everyone has been LYING for so long!!
You know the last time things were getting hot and heavy with that guy that you're messing around with? The dumb one you boo'd up just for summer so he could drive you to the beach in Long Island, and he said he didn't want to use condoms because it messes up the feeling? Well, according to Uncle Akin, you could've said: 'No Problem [Rufus], when my vagina senses the inferior intelligence, financial irresponsibility, and poor listening skills of your semen it will grow teeth and kill you, shutting down all possibility that a pregnancy could occur from this union.'
Todd Akin is a liberal freelove hippie in a stealth ninja disguise! By relieving us of a large incentive to practice abstinence, he's urging us to throw our promise rings and our general ambivalence about which bases to cover - and after how many dates - out the window, and our panties up in the air! He is demanding that we be fruitful (but don't multiply), and have as much unprotected sex as we want, with as many people as we want, forever. Because the Vagina Dentata is not a bad, C- horror film. It's science. Our vagina has internal toothed protection, which will shut down any attempts at unwanted insemination. Yippie!
Logically, this must also be true in the case of diseases. Since our vagina - let's call her Fifi - Fifi is smart girl. She's an independent thinker and she has our back. She wouldn't go to all the trouble of shutting down rape pregnancy and neglect to protect us from STDs, the other downer that has thrust the burden of boring, safe sex upon us. So, next time you're assaulted or just aren't feeling like being knocked up, worry not. Your vag has got it covered. She'll bare her vaginal teeth and SHUT THAT PREGNANCY DOWN LADIES!!! SHUT.IT.DOWN.